who called it a toilet and not an IP address
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Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Go girl power!
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
These dogs look like they have good credit.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.