Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
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CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell