Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
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Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.