who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine