Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
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[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*