Who called it baking and not making love
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“Why you watching this shit?”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.