Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
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FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.