who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
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Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken