Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
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him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: thereâs only enough left for me
him: thereâs a whole bottle
me: yes
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said âI can picture myself taking a dump in hereâ is a tragically missed opportunity
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
ă
ă
.
.
.
.
.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a momentâs empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parentsâ WiFi.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers âNo thanks. I had lunch yesterdayâ
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY ARENâT YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflĂŠ
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
HER: Iâve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold đ¤
if youâre venting to someone and they say âidk I see both sidesâ youâre wrong
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Him: Letâs make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Me: Iâm sitting down to read and have my coffee. Donât come in here unless itâs an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
âMOOOMMMM! HEâS BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND MEâ
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone elseâs house because he says we go to our house a lot
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*