Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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I came this close!!!!
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”