@krissywillbretz
@UncleDuke1969 She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
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@UncleDuke1969 
@randomlawless I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
@jenlaw_11 Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
@gogglepossum [me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
@longwall26 Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
@TheBoydP Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
@vladchoc For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
@NinjaSweatpants Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
@jakelikesnaps i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
@ShittyComedian So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.