Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
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Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
at ease…shoulder.