who called it hell and not heaven’t
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Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook