who called it hell and not heaven’t
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It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
🖤✌🏽
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.