Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
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If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I wish I could veto my bills.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.