Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
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[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.