who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
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Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…