Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers