Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
You Might Also Like
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
bro what is going on at twitter
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?