My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
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In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.