Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
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My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
🤭😂
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.