who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.