Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
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People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.