Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
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Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs