Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
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sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”