Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
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[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box