Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
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Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Give a baker flours on your first date.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.