Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

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If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.


For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.


Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?


Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.


[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?


Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.


“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”


*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE


Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.


I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes


A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.