@lukeplusone

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

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@AaronFullerton

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

@thepaulasuzanne

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

@Browtweaten

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

@BoomBoomBetty

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

@TragicAllyHere

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

@BowlinShoeUgly

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

@OBiiieeee

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

@missekay

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

@mrjohndarby

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

@HatfieldAnne

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.