Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
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It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”