Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.