Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
You Might Also Like
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
These aliens are taking forever.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail