Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
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*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Smile they said.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.