Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
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Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.