Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]