Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
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My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!