@T_Bonezzz_

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

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@TrueTorontoGirl

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

@_Mo_lee_

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

@kelkulus

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

@Book_Krazy

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

@kelkulus

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

@LuvPug

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

@Dana_Bruno

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

@PJTLynch

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]