Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
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DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Love this one 😂🧟
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.