Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
work smarter, not harder
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.