Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
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9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.