Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
You Might Also Like
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
i- i did not expect this
San Francisco has too many rules
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
We all have our pet causes.