who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
You Might Also Like
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
What even happened today?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.