Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
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Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Follow me for more life hacks.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I’d hang this in my house.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME