Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
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Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels