Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
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I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.