Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Godspeed, John Glenn
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I’m not wrong
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day