Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
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I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!