Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
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I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
No. YOU-buprofen.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
🤣🤣🤣
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill