Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?