Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
That’s classic.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
They grow up so quick
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?