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I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
quarantine day 3
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
What is going on? 😅
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*