Who comes up with this kinda stuff
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*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
How wrong was this guy?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Don’t touch that.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?