Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
True freaking story!
