Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
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called in thicc to work this morning
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.