Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
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Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.