Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
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We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
lmao
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die