Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
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I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.