Who did it better?
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What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.