who did the taste test?
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my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”