who did the taste test?
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
i love modern commerce
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.