who did the taste test?
You Might Also Like
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
If you are reading this then you are reading this
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad