who did the taste test?
You Might Also Like
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it