WHO DID THIS?
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i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE