Who does Amazon think I am?
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This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?